Saturday, June 11, 2011

8 Crazy, but Awesome Games to Play

      1.)    Wall St. 
What a great intro!

What makes it crazy?

When you think Wall Street what do you usually think?  I think of money, stocks, and men in business suits.  However, if you’re a more negative person, you probably think of the Great Depression.  And if you’re deeply depressed and most likely demented, you think of people jumping out of windows. That’s what has this game so weird.  Instead of being some type of strategy game about making money, which Is what I expected, it became a “save the suicidal brokers” game, a la Fire!

We got another jumper!

What makes it awesome?

You can kill tanks.  No, not destroy them, you just outright kill them.  It even says so in the instructions.  After you’re finished saving suicidal stock brokers, you walk around grabbing moneybags to “save Wall Street.”  So not only is all the money in bags spread around willy-nilly, but it’s protected by roaming tanks, which you kill with fire.
Kill it with Fire!

     2.)    Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker
Annie, are you okay?

What makes it crazy?

You play as Michael Jackson.  But that’s not it, even though that should be enough by itself. You go around saving kidnapped kids from “Mr. Big,” and I don’t mean the “To Be With You” band.  That doesn’t sound too bad, until you realize the fighting moves are Michael’s famous singing and dancing abilities.

Then, it gets weirder.  Sure, we all love Michael Jackson’s songs. Don’t lie, everyone has a favorite.  Some of his hits are in the game!  But, their synthesized so it sounds a bit… off.  Regardless, music is music, right?  Right?!?

What makes it awesome?

You play as Michael Jackson. Don’t lie, that’s pretty damn awesome!  But not only that, you play as a ROBOT Michael Jackson.  And he shoots lasers.  I wish I could shoot lasers at enemies IN SPACE.

Tell me once again: Who's Bad?

Second, he has a BATTLE PLANE.  Yeah they forgot to mention that was chilling in the Neverland Ranch.  It was probably buried underneath the giant ferris wheel.  Celebrities get all the cool things.

     3.)     Shaq Fu

Open up a can!

What makes it crazy?

The premise of the game is crazy enough.  You’re Shaquille O’Neal the 7’1” all-star basketball player, and you’re in Tokyo for a big battle for charity.  And you’re by yourself walking around when you see a Kung Fu dojo, so you go inside.  Then, he notices you! You’re the chosen one and must defeat the evil mummy Sett-Ra to save Nezu! Since Shaq is confused by all this jibber-jabber, he goes into the portal that the dojo shows him, on his way to save Nezu.

What makes it awesome?

You’re Shaquille O’Neal, world-famous basketball player, and you fight a variety of enemies Mortal Kombat-style.  Because we all know that Shaq is secretly a Kung Fu master, this doesn’t seem to be too hard.  His secret power is probably the reason he tried MMA.

Plus, you have two epic Shaq-battles.  It’s hard to top Shaq versus the evil Beast from Dragon’s Pass, but it gets better when he fights the evil mummy Sett-Ra.  Shaq is determined to rescue the little boy Nezu, because all celebrities have to save a little child, as seen in Moonwalker.  After you defeat him, he threatens to be back, then you make it out just in time for the big game!  But, *SPOILER ALERT* Beast is there! *DUN DUN DUN*

Plot twist!

    4.)    Michael Jordan in the Windy City

What makes it crazy?

You play as Michael Jordan, and right before a big charity battle (because there has to be some sort of emotionally-gripping plotline) all of your teammates are kidnapped and hidden around the Chicago aka the Windy City.

Of course, you have to go out and save them! You go in every nook and cranny of the town trying to save your teammates so you can win the money for your charity and live happily ever after! However, you never hear anything about the game.  You can only imagine if you won or not.  I'm guessing you did, because you have special balls.

What makes it awesome?

Wherever Michael Jordan goes, he has infinite basketballs.  I don’t know why he needs that many, but he keeps a supply somewhere on his body.  Since he lacks pockets, I don’t want to know where they’re kept.

Most of the basketballs aren’t regular balls, either.  Most have a special power, such as freezing the ground or an enemy, or killing it with fire.  That would make for an interesting game of hoops in itself.  They definitely should have kept going with that.

As if that isn’t it, at the end you fight a giant robotic version of yourself, on some kind of court made of wood.  Not only does this giant robot not break the wood, but you’ve got to throw your basketballs at him to defeat him in the most intense game of hoops on a plank of wood I’ve ever seen.

But Michael...I am made of basketballs!

     5.)    Revolution X: Aerosmith

Nice shirt, Steve.

What makes it crazy?

You’re in an alternate version of 1996, where a group called New Order Nation (NON) is taking over.  They’ve gone out to control the entire youth nation, anyone between 13 and 30.  To do this, they are banning all forms of entertainment, and it’s up to you to stop them.

How do you find out?  Well, you were at an Aerosmith concert at Club X in LA when the band was kidnapped! Now, you have to go save them.  Steven Tyler tells you via video message that you need to shoot down the chopper and end NON for good, as well as save the band and all that good stuff.  So now, you have a gun for some reason and can take down NON and a helicopter, and you have to go all over the world to do this.

Accurate Band Photo

What makes it awesome?

The game revolves around Aerosmith, and it’s incredibly fun. It’s a side-scrolling rail shooter, like most arcade games are.  You’re killing everybody and everything. Throughout the game, you can look for and rescue female hostages.  Oh yeah did I mention that most of them are naked?

You’re also rescuing Aerosmith, whose music just so happens to be the soundtrack to the game.  They have a number of their hits in the game, which loop continuously.  Most importantly, Love in an Elevator has a Muzak version, and sounds like elevator music.  Awesome, right?

 The game might not have sold well, but it wouldn’t have been the same without Aerosmith.  One can only imagine the other games that could have been sequels had this sold well.

mmmbop is the weapon

     6.)     Deadly Duck
Shoot em'!

This game is both crazy and awesome for the same reasons:

You play a duck, who just so happens to have a gun in its mouth.  We all know this is true for ducks worldwide, so this should be no surprise to you. 

The object of the game is to shoot the crabs that are trying to kill you.  Their method of murder is that they would like to drop bricks on you.  How do they drop them on you?  The sky.  The crabs can fly and drop bricks while you are stuck in the water. I’m guessing you can’t fly because of the heavy gun and unlimited ammunition that is in your system.

     7.)     Sonic Blast Man (ARCADE)
Best. Superhero. Ever.

What makes it crazy?

You’re an average guy, and you want to save the woman you love.  You can only do this by turning into the greatest superhero of all-time, Sonic Blast Man!  She’s tied up on the tracks and about to get hit by a train, and it’s up to you to save her.  How do you do it? You punch a train in the face.

Right in the damn face.

With all this speed and power, couldn’t he just pick her up or untie her?  Maybe he could punch the ropes so he can fly her to safety?  No, he needs to prove that he’s a big enough dude firsthand.  I imagine she will never be able to be with another guy, unless they can do the same for her. By do the same I mean kill hundreds of innocent people with a 100 megaton punch.

After you save her, you fly away waving goodbye.  Then a message is spelled in the sky: See You Again!  What? You obviously know something she doesn’t.  It’s pretty ominous, and I almost feel bad for her until I remember how badass Sonic Blast Man is.

I bet she can't wait.

What makes it awesome?

Besides punching a train in the face, you also kill a variety of things.  You fight off a purse snatcher, for one.  That’s really nice, saving the woman you love by pounding the thief to a pulp.

After that, you get to do the following: save a baby from being hit by a truck.  But don’t just move the baby to safety, PUNCH THE TRUCK.

There’s a giant robotic crab in the water and it’s wreaking havoc on everyone! PUNCH THE CRAB.

There’s a terrorist group on a building! They have weapons and nobody can stop them! PUNCH THE BUILDING.

There’s a comet on its way to Earth, what will we do? PUNCH THE COMET INTO A MILLION PIECES.

That’s a day in the life of the greatest superhero ever.

     8.)    Muscle March
Words cannot describe...

This is a Japanese game on WiiWare for the Wii.  It’s like that game show where people have to pose in a certain body position to pass through the wall.  Only you have to catch a thief by doing bodybuilding poses to pass through the walls.

You can play as one of six characters. One is a bear, and as for the other ones, I want you to see for yourself.  Words can’t begin to describe the hilarity that this game ensues.

Just watch it:

Any of these games that you wanna try? I've played some of them but I really want to try the arcade version of Super Blast Man!  I don't think I'll try Muscle March, though.